Another candle lit.

"The Taoist belief goes that people pass on from this world in sets of threes. If there is one candle lit with a signage erected the side of the road. There should be another nearby or another stabbed into the ground around that time. It works this way as the guards from the receiving end enter our world and take spirits away as a group."

This morning I was driving blurry eyed from the sleepless worry-full night. I was worried for my Master's programme, a job in Australia for one or two years, applying visa, if I had enough work experience and most of all the condition of my nanny.

She was admitted for gastric and breathing problems early yesterday evening. Her pupils were dilated and teary, she wanted to talk but it was so hard for her with the oxygen beating her every breath. Her chemotherapy effects could be seen with winces of pain.

And this bloody morning. I found a confounded half burnt candle along the road with the familliar blue/red white sign stuck near the highway.

You don't cry in the presence of the person who is suffering from a serious health complication. It shouldn't be done. It's just hard to keep down these flow of emotions. At this point, looking upon her, I couldn't take the sorrow anymore. I wanted to kick myself because I felt useless I couldn't do anything to ease her pain.

"Shit. Don't tell me that this is the starting point of the three." I then make plans to go to the temple before opening my texts and notes to start studying. Mom calls to give wind of bad news. I didn't care how much attention I would attract, I broke down wailing in the University foyer. I had to have 3 big bites of chocolate to calm my nerves.

With so many people coming to see her last night, she knew that she was going to go. She actually told everyone who popped their heads over the bed to take care.
"Take...gud...care of...Your...selff"

She passed at 4am with no one around cause it was an observation unit. No visitors were allowed that time. I stood hanging my head by the clear window of the coffin and gazed upon her face to remember it as well as I could. I must have been watching her like that for a solid 5 minutes. I continue the rest of the evening joining familliar faces of her relatives as one of the family to recite the mantras. I sob when I recalled she was the one who thought me how to go about to all matters involving prayer and respect.

"Lai Ma, what happens to us when we die?"
"We get buried."
"Mommy told me we all will get eaten by worms. I don't want to be eaten by worms."
"No. We go to heaven."

Thank God you're no longer suffering. I would have hated to see you suffer in pain so long. I wish I could have done something more. I'll keep my promise. I love you and I am going to miss you very much.