10/31/2005

4:42

I wake up at 4:42 am to realize that I'm no longer attached to another person. Triggered by the emotional run and an unflattering throb in my head made me a nervous wreck. Admittedly, I was a Drama Queen, playing mind games with myself and the person I can't help but feel this was for the best with all the more towering reasons to let go of it all. It's funny that before a few hours before this I was romancing with hope just by reminiscing the birthday card you gave me...which has to be put away.

I start with the photos we took. Although we didn't have many, it's time to take them off my desktop. I didn't want to see them before zipping them up; that's just to cause more heart. I'm taking the card along with the present to my 21st birthday box. As for the bag you gave me, how can I forget? I have a purse with the same motif to remind me.

I'm surprised I'm taking this quite well actually. Perhaps it is because that I was already predicting such an outcome and the fact that you were just too bluntly suggestive of it. All your actions after our year together made see how unimportant I was. If it is selfish of me to think of myself and my feelings, I suggest a double take on yourself refusing to learn or listen to certain things that really doesn't concern you.

I also think its cause the relationship got so bad, that I was exhausting myself. You never really called from the first day, your have-a-good day sms-es that made the whole world right that day never beeped on my phone after a while, You always preferred to spend your hours after work rushing to play tennis rather than to come see a person who hasn't seen your face for a whole week. It was even difficult for you to go get a simple gift during your one week stay in a country which was a complete urban metropolis because you chose to spend time with your friends rather than just spend less than an hour to get me anything. The worst was when you told me to take the gift or you put down the phone

  • I had to let you know I was sick when I was.
  • I have to leave you a message for you to call me
  • In times when I was depressed, you just tell me to eat comfort food and list down the things that made me upset.
  • I had to ask for hugs and kisses.
  • You had to SEE if you could come for my last prom.
  • When your friends or my friends ask me how you are, I don't know how to respond, cause I don't know what's going on in your life.
  • When we have a disagreement you tell your friends what happen, but not the whole story of what happened which happens to have a reason
  • You were that busy for a whole month that you didn't even bother about popping by to see me.

My mistake, I gave in too much. I let you walk all over me, I never said a word until just very recently. I thought maybe if you had it your way all the time, it'll be easier for you to see things my way too. I feel terribly taken for granted. I'm getting tired of defending you. And when you couldn't stand up for yourself, you just end it with "I'm pressured, I can't take it".

When I pick up the phone to let go, everything I say, you just accept it like a black hole. And every little nudge I gave you made you retract back into your shell. I never asked for diamonds and pearls, all I wanted was for you to be there when I needed you most. I have been this patient to let it pass me but with the price of my sanity.

I really wonder where it all went to. And how you just let it slip away like that without a fight. To think all this while I was proud of the smallest things you did. I'm walking out of this realtionship because I've tried my best, and there is nothing that I can no longer do, and because of disappointment that you just gave up the same battles you have fought for and won before. This relationship has become same thing you do with anything you don't try to understand.

14 comments:

Jason said...

Nice posts and so well writen. In fact, it is comforting. ;)

Glad that you are all right and all set to go.

Take care and *hugs*.

Nicholas said...

Hope you're alright. Take care.

Mei said...

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

April,

You finally came to realize what is important for you and what will do you good.

Breaking up can be hard, but staying in or trying to work out a relationship that has no beginning in the first place is a torture.

Wish you all the best and I'm sure you'll do better.

e.C.a.L said...

Gal, hope that u're alrite. Finally u let it out.. (really happy for ya.. i still remember that time before prom). Yeah.. all the best for ya exam.TAke care and hugz.. CHEers...!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs for you. I had the same situation 4 years ago. I understand the feeling and it really need time to heal from there. I actually took 3 years to walk out from the previous relatioships. I was the one brought out the problems and forced him to face it. He was keep on escaping from facing it and finally he admitted that the feeling was faded. I knew that cuz in can feel it from him side. I agree to end this cuz i just dun want to wasting my time and in tht relationship. I tried really hard to save but at the end what i got back was the "faded feeling" from him. Girl, look at me now!I am totally walk out frm it and have a great life now! Hope you will be like me, be a brave girl! God bless you!

april yim said...

Jason, Nicholas and Mei: Thank you very much :D

Anonymous 1: Do I know u? U sound like someone who is close to me

Ecal: Thanks gal :D Thanks for being there for me

Anonymous 2: I try hard all the time. And I wish anyone anywhere ppl could try just as hard to do anything and put heart into things.

Thank you everyone :D

Pelf said...

The ability to write it all down(albeit having to "remember" them)shows that you are a tough person. Have faith :)

~ai~ said...

April~ be strong... you did whats right and we all know you deserve something better~~ ALOT better. He'll be facing alot more problems if he keeps avoiding them. Dont feel bad about it, stuff like this take time... I know I felt like shit even tho I knew ending mine last time was great. Give yourself time. Thank god you're not wasting anymore time in a relationship thats going nowhere. take care~~ we need to go out for lunch again one of these days! ^^ *loves much*

Anonymous said...

You poor girl....
cry a bit over it then get a move on. he is really not That precious ok...

seaborgium

auntyr3gine said...

hey babe...you know what i want to say, ive said what i want to say and each time u call i say the same thing. exams over, holiday, refresh, makeover, cover shots for us gals!! time to get on with life, taxes, jobs, bosses...etc..

Avril said...

=(

Sayang, kay?

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