4/27/2005

Is 'Sex Therapist' printed on my forehead?

Honestly I have no idea why some people regard me as the IM sex doctor.

Anything wrong with yourself, your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/lover/partner you drop me a short 'hi' and then cut to the chase.

If you want to tell me how grand was the spray can cheese dripping of the crevasses of your intimate partner's body you keep pressing the enter button when your sentences never reach more than five words:

Eg. "It was good; fantastic; I never felt so good; He was a monster, we pressed and pushed, Lick, lick...yum!"


Thanks for the typed details that I wasn't so keen on knowing but since you told me oh well :) Thanks for the pictures too...They look so ‘swell-ed’ I have no idea where to keep them.

Some of you, don’t quite mean it but then you go carry on the conversations with…
“Enough of me, let’s hear about you :)”

And then you assume that I have surmountable amounts of experience just because I give you 411s and talk of sexual matters in a Ghandi like manner. For goodness sakes... can't some of you just go get some porno movies. In case you haven't check they come for as low as RM5 one, call over you local VCD seller and give him the knowing look. Or if you're so stingy with your money, visit some very good websites online or download the videos/pictures/whatever that you wish.

The questions some of you ask me...not to say I can't give you answers but I can't give you ALL the answers. Lets take for example, a case a few minutes fresh...

Anonymous, age 20, comes up with an answerable yet, unanswerable question...

Anonymous : April, how do girls masturbate?

April: *Thinks: Do I laugh or cry?* Why you ask?

Anonymous: Just wondering. My friend said she did it with a bolster.

April: *Starts having thoughts of a girl with mammoth-sized passage ways..Brrr* Well. Each girl has a different way of doing it. It depends what pleases them.

Anonymous: So how do they exactly do it?

April: There are so many! If I tell you the many, many ways...I will never finish the different examples.

Anonymous: Oh...thanks.


Which then I don't hear from Anonymous 40 minutes and counting after that...


Here's another incident 7 years ago when April was still a Backstreet Boy engrossed teenager flipping through yahoo chat:
April: Whee :) Some one nick named Nick Karter wanna msg me :D
NKarter: Hi. Do you cyber?
April: NO!
NKarter: Ok. Thanks! Bye!
April: *What the hell?*


I didn't read marie claire's sex Q&A/ bear with other stories/ bought the expensive UK version of seventeen magazine/ studied the reproductive system/ civic skills/ shut down cyber sex maniacs or read rosie king to be here for you today. At least cut me some slack on my own private life; don't ask me stupid questions or just pay me a decent amount of consultation fees next time.

5 comments:

MoroseJew said...

Great post.

narrowband said...

Haha. Tell me about it.

Blogged similar topic here.

Adam said...

I sometimes get similar queries. Sometimes from married man.
My answer: Go and read lah.

Anonymous said...

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A smear of Vaseline or petroleum jelly will do wonders for those sore lips and nose that often accompany a cold.

A 'streaming cold' where the nose and eyes water profusely, can respond to drinking onion water. Simply dip a slice of onion into a glass of hot water for two seconds, then sip the cooled water throughout the day. Half an onion on the bedside table also alleviates cold symptoms because its odor is inhaled while you sleep.

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Do you suffer from sore eyes? If your eyes are sore from lengthy exposure to the sun, try beating the white of an egg and then spread it over a cloth and bandage the eyes with it. Leave the preparation on overnight. Soft cheese (quark) is also a good remedy for this condition.

For those unpleasant times when you suffer from diarrhea, two tablespoons of brown vinegar will usually fix the problem. Vinegar can be rather horrible to take, but who cares! The problem is more horrible. Vinegar can usually be found in most people's cupboards, so you don't need to worry about finding someone to run to the shop for you in an emergency.

Sleepless? Instead of reaching for sleeping pills, which can quickly become addictive, try this: Drink only caffeine free tea or coffee starting late in the afternoon.. Go to bed earlier rather than later, as being overtired tends to keep people awake. Make sure the bedroom is dark and quiet. Use only pure wool or cotton sheets and blankets. Polyester materials can cause sweat and make you thirsty (if your child constantly asks for water throughout the night, this could be the reason).

And don't watch those scary movies just before retiring! If you still can't sleep, make a tea of lemongrass or drink a nightcap of herbal tea containing chamomile. It's easy to grow lemongrass in your garden or start a flower pot on the balcony for ease of picking. Simply steep a handful in boiling water for five minutes. Honey may be added for a sweetener.

Of course there will be times when you do need modern drugs, so if these simple remedies don't have the required affect, be sure to see a health care professional.


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